Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I lack follow through

You know when you are doing laundry and the last load stays in the drier for DAYS before it ever makes it out to get folded? You "fluff" the laundry everyday, at least once a day, and still it never makes it out until next week's load from the washer needs to go in. This is how I would describe my life. I plan and plan and plan and sometimes I get started, but I very rarely finish things. I like to claim that I get bored before I finish, but really I just lack follow through.


-I started this blog before the birth of my first 2008. I have a handful of meaningless posts and still claim that I will get better.
- I have fabric and a pattern in hand for a really cute skirt I would like to make, but every time I look at it and think that I should start it I find something else I need to do.
-I got a BS in Psychology knowing the only thing I could really do with it is go on to grad school and yet, 5 years later, I still have a BS.
-I planned out pages for a quiet book for Bentley that I have yet to start.
-I have two cupcake cookbooks that I would eventually love to make every recipe from. I have made 2. I have had them for 2 years.

There are so many things I would like to say I've done in my life and yet I do nothing about it. I want to be inspirational. I want people to look at me and say, "Wow! I want to grow up to be like her someday." I used to do things with my life and now I'm a mom. And don't get me wrong, I love being a mom. But I want to be Erica again. I used to act, and play music, and sing, and write, and lose weight. Now I struggle to find time to do anything for myself. And when I do find the time, I also find an excuse to do nothing. Or play Minesweeper.

I have a friend right now who is in the process of trying to get published. (BTW, you should totally check her out here.) I have an idea for a book, but it has yet to amount to anything other than ideas in the shower. I have another friend who has run multiple marathons. I am currently training for a half-marathon and am starting to freak out that I may be in WAY over my head. I have a friend at the gym who has lost 118 pounds and kept it off. I lost 20 in college and then gained it back and then some after getting married. Then I lost 35 pounds and got pregnant and gained 60. I am still 50 pounds away from my goal and my baby is 4 months old (ugh). I have so many friends who have done so many things. I look at their amazing photographs and items of clothing they have made or books they have written or amazing cakes they have made etc. etc......And I often just sit and wonder what I have to show for my 26 years of life.

I have an amazing husband and two of the cutest kids in the world, but those are gifts given to me by my Father in Heaven. I didn't really have a ton to do with that. I, with my fabulous BS is Psychology, work at the Kid's Club in a gym. I don't make blankets, I don't knit, I don't do my hair, I feel fat in all my clothing and I generally feel blah about who I am. I need that kick in the pants to be something great. I make lists all the time of things I want to change and who I want to be and what I want to do. Rarely does it amount to anything but that, though. It's just a list. An empty enumeration of things I will probably never do anything with or about. I meet these fabulous people, who probably think they are nothing special, who I would love to be compared to. One day I'd like others to want to be compared to me. I want to be something special. Special because of who I am, not just how cute my kids are. I need to find a special purpose that is mine, selfishly and solely mine. I love my family, but I need this for me. I need to be good at something again and feel important because of who I am and what I do. I need to add "Erica" back to my list of titles.


Goings on at the Glenn's said...

you are soo not alone in your feelings. Here's your kick in the pants to do something! KICK! Go do something for you. I find that when I take the time out for me regardless if I feel that if I do I will be neglecting my family in some way it always turns out in the end that I am able to give more that 100% back to them whit that time I have spent away doing something for me.

Hollie said...

Wow. Couldn't have said it better myself Erica. When you get your kick in the pants pass one on to me too.

Jamie said...

Seriously, Erica, you took the thoughts right out of my head. I think you're special for saying it out loud.

Wendy Hegerhorst said...

Okay from an oldtimer I do remember those feelings put just as the scricpture say this to shall pass (oh I think that is really and it came to pass, oh well)Sometimes hard to find yourself in all the daily grind of being mom but in the end that is the best person you can be. I love your smile and how open and friendly you are to everyone. Even us oldtimers.